Phallic Confusion
by Diamond Mask
Summary: In which Sai makes a new friend and Suigetsu learns that he must have a small penis. Suigetsu x Sai non-yaoi. Crackfic.


**Phallic Confusion**

**Summary**: In which Sai makes a new friend and Suigetsu learns that he must have a small penis. Suigetsu x Sai non-yaoi. Crackfic.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto or any of the respective characters.

**Warnings**: Language and implied yaoi.

* * *

Suigetsu hated Sai from the moment he laid eyes on him.

There was just something about the artist that _irked_ him, something that pushed his buttons whenever he was within five metres of Sai. Perhaps it was the idiotic smile permanently pasted on his face. Perhaps it was the way that he constantly insisted on wearing clothing that exposed his pale belly that disgusted Suigetsu. Perhaps it was his habit of drawing the mist nin _in the nude_ without ever having seen him naked in the first place.

"Man, I fucking hate you."

Sai just smiled vacantly back at him.

Suigetsu bared his sharp teeth.

Sai continued smiling.

Suigetsu snarled, a horrible, grating sound emanating from the back of his throat.

Sai, the _bastard_, kept smiling.

"You piss me off so much, I _should_ kill you," he continued petulantly, slugging down a mouthful of water. Some of it dribbled past his lips and he swiped one hand across his chin, glaring balefully at Sai. "Damn robot."

"Ah, Suigetsu-kun, that it incorrect. I am no robot, but an artist. There is quite a large difference between the two," the brunette replied knowledgably. "For one thing, I am not made of metal. Robots are only made of metal. I think you will find it quite difficult to find any metal in my body."

Suigetsu stared at him, a muscle twitching under his eye.

"I hate you, Sai. I really, truly, honestly fucking hate you."

Sai beamed. "I find you quite engaging as well, Suigetsu-kun."

And Suigetsu had to fight the urge to stomp over and snap his neck. Knowing Sai, however, he would just keep smiling and smiling and _smiling_… even if his head was dangling off his shoulders, there would still be a damn smile on his stupid face.

But all Suigetsu could do was sit there and drink water (thank God for small mercies) and wait for Sasuke, Juugo and Karin to haul their asses back here with dinner.

Which reminded him of something else. Sasuke was an asshole for sticking him with guarding Sai. He made a mental note to tell him that and to complain incessantly about it for the remainder of the week. Yes, that would make him feel moderately better.

"Suigetsu-kun…"

"Shut up."

"Have we become friends yet?"

The mist nin squinted at him disbelievingly. "No," he said blankly. "No, we are not friends. My team beat you up and left you tied to a rock before they buggered off and left me here with you. I think they're hoping that I'll kill you before they get back, actually."

Sai only shrugged. "I think we could be friends," he said a moment later. "I like you."

"I think you're a fucking idiot."

"Ah, have we already reached the stage in the friendship where we can be honest with each other?" Sai asked brightly. "There are many things I would like to share with you."

"Are you kidding? There _is_ no friendship. I'd kill you if Sasuke wouldn't kick my ass for it."

"But I feel that we are bonding, even if you do not. I feel that I need to share things with you. I feel that I need to… how do they say, _unload_."

"Whoop-dee-fucking-doo," Suigetsu muttered.

"Is there anything you would like to share with me?"

"Yeah. My sword would like to share a living space with your organs."

Sai smiled obliviously. "You are trying to be sarcastic. I have read about this 'sarcasm', you see," he added. "It was very intriguing. I also read something else that I think you might find enjoyable."

Suigetsu snorted. "Like porn?"

"Porn?" Sai cocked his head curiously. "What is this 'porn'?"

"You know. Tall, busty blondes. Curvy redheads. You know, _porn_."

The artist shook his head.

"Naked chicks, Sai. _Naked chicks_."

Sai looked intrigued, and he learned forward inquisitively. "Does this 'porn' also include naked boys?" he asked innocently.

Suigetsu choked on a mouthful of water, and Sai tapped him obligingly on the back with his foot since his hands were tied. The mist nin threw him an alarmed look.

"Should have known you would be gay," he gasped, still spluttering and coughing.

"This 'gay' sounds like a good thing," Sai said cheerfully. "Is it?"

"…Sure. Sure it is, Sai."

The brunette looked very pleased with himself. "I am gay," he murmured experimentally. "Gay… yes, Sai is gay…"

Suigetsu barely managed to suppress a grin. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

"It does, doesn't it? Oh, and Suigetsu-kun, I still had something I wanted to share with you."

"Do you have to?"

Sai just looked at him vaguely. "During the course of my studies on human behaviour, I have become very familiar with a man named Freud."

"Good for you."

"He has some very interesting theories which I am eager to pursue. I thought perhaps you would like to hear about them."

"I wouldn't."

"You should listen, Suigetsu-kun. Freud-sensei has a very important lesson to teach."

"I thought I told you to shut up, Sai."

"I began researching the theory that appealed to me most: the phallic symbol. And I have come to the conclusion that…"

"Listen, Sai, you better shut the fuck up right now, or I'm gonna shove that paintbrush up your–"

"…you must have a very small penis, Suigetsu-san."

"…WHAT?"

"You have a small penis," he repeated happily. "Freud-sensei can prove it."

Suigetsu gaped at him.

"But you needn't worry," the artist said comfortingly, noticing his distress. "I believe that this condition is genetic in your case."

"Genetic," Suigetsu repeated hoarsely. "How the hell could it be _genetic_?"

"In my research I have across many other shinobi recorded as having large swords. Hoshigaki Kisame is one, as is Momochi Zabuza, whose sword _you_ took ownership of. You are all shinobi from the Hidden Mist, and according to Freud-sensei, all of you must be compensating for having small penises by carrying enormous swords, because the sword is a phallic symbol, and all males have phalluses, you see. Therefore it follows that you must be trying to compensate for your size _because_ you are all from Mist."

Sai looked quite proud of his flawless display of logic.

Suigetsu wanted to kill him. Screw Sasuke, Sai was telling him that he had a _small dick_.

"You seriously think I have a small penis," he said, his voice going up an octave. "You honestly think I have a small penis just because I'm from Mist."

"Does that trouble you? I'm sorry, Suigetsu-kun, perhaps I should have been more tactful. I should have used one of the euphuisms I learned the other day. You do not have a small penis, you have a baby dick."

Suigetsu was at a loss for words. "S-Sai…"

"I read that milk is good for growth. Perhaps if you drink more milk, your penis will grow," Sai advised him, pale cheeks flushed with enthusiasm. "You should advise Hoshigaki Kisame to do the same the next time you see him."

"You… y-you…"

Sai leaned forward eagerly. "Will you show me just how small your penis is?" he said hopefully. "I would like to able to make a comparison if I should get the chance to prove this hypothesis. Also, I might have to alter your nude portrait. It is possible that it might be… inaccurate."

Suigetsu snapped.

"Inaccurate? _Inaccurate_? I'll show you fucking inaccurate!"

With that, he snapped the buckle on his belt and dropped his pants to the ground.

* * *

Sasuke should have forced them to forage for food in the woods.

His eye twitched as he looked back at Juugo struggling through the undergrowth, arms filled with grocery bags. Karin stumbled in front of him, complaining loudly even though she had only been given one bag to carry, and using every opportunity to grab onto Sasuke. He shook her off automatically every time he felt a hand clutch at his arm, and looked sourly at the bags of groceries.

Wild mushrooms and maybe a squirrel would have been sufficient nourishment, but no, Suigetsu and Karin had been willing to risk capture for bottled water and fresh udon. He should have left them all behind to rot in Sound; it was costing him a damn fortune to feed them every week.

He sighed, pushing a branch out of the way. He could hear voices; their campsite was just beyond this tree–

"Yes, Suigetsu-kun, I can see what you mean. I was mistaken after all. Your penis is much bigger than I thought it would be!"

Sasuke froze, and the branch he had holding snapped back to hit his face.

Suigetsu was standing in front of their prisoner, pants around his ankles, gesticulating violently towards his crotch. Sai was crouching in front of him, an appreciative smile curving his lips as his fingers literally flew across the sketchbook in his hands.

Karin moved up behind Sasuke, frowning as branches scratched at her clothes and face. "Sasuke," she whined. "Could you please move so we can get out of here, I have like a dozen pine needles down my shirt already–" she stopped, noticing that Sasuke was staring transfixed at something in front of him. Curiously, she raised herself on tiptoe so she could peek over his shoulder.

"Holy shit!"

"Shut up!"

The Uchiha clapped a hand quickly over her mouth, stifling her shout.

Juugo came up behind, a concerned expression marring his face. "Sasuke, is something–?"

Then he caught sight of Suigetsu and Sai.

"Holy sh–!"

"Quiet, fool!" Sasuke hissed, clapping his other hand over Juugo's mouth. "Both of you just keep your mouths shut!"

Karin and Juugo nodded obediently, giving each other disbelieving looks that clearly said "WTF".

"Um, Sasuke," Karin whispered uncertainly, once Sasuke had released them. "Why do we have to keep quiet?"

"Because," the Uchiha answered shortly, peering intently through the foliage.

She exchanged a glance with Juugo, who grimaced.

"So, you… want to watch them, or something?"

Sasuke turned around slowly, giving them both a look. "If I wanted to get off watching someone," he said impatiently, "I would do it in private without an audience. And it certainly wouldn't involve _Suigetsu_."

Karin blinked at him from behind her glasses. "So we're not going to disturb them because…?"

"We're leaving. Now."

"But we can't leave without Suigetsu," Juugo pointed out.

"Watch me."

"Sasuke–"

"Suigetsu can catch up once he's learned to keep his pants on during a mission," their leader said flatly, turning his back on the campsite and heading down the path again. Juugo heaved a sigh, shrugging helplessly before following him.

Karin started after them, grumbling.

"I wouldn't have minded watching…"

* * *

Twelve hours later, Suigetsu realised something was amiss.

"Listen, Sai."

"Hm?" the artist looked up from where he was happily sketching a picture of what Sasuke might look like without his pants on (and Suigetsu was chuffed to see that his own looked bigger). The mist nin slung his sword onto his back and strapped on his sandals.

"I'm starving, so I'm gonna go look for Sasuke and the others. They should have been back with the food hours ago."

"Okay," Sai agreed amiably. "Would you like some company on the way?"

"No thanks," Suigetsu waved off the suggestion politely, having warmed up to Sai considerably since the 'small penis' episode had been wrapped up. "It shouldn't take too long. You can just wait here for me until I get back."

"Of course," Sai said graciously (it didn't occur to him that this was practically an invitation to escape).

And so Suigetsu set out in search of his companions.

Needless to say, it wasn't going to turn out too well.

* * *

Some weeks later, deep in the River Country, Hoshigaki Kisame awoke to find a letter waiting for him on his pillow. Mystified, he slit the envelope open with one fingernail, wondering how anyone had managed to find him in River Country when he was on a secret mission and sneak a letter onto his pillow without waking him up.

The letter was rather brief.

_Hoshigaki Kisame-san_, it began.

_I have recently learned that you carry your large blade, Samehada, only because you are subconsciously attempting to compensate for the small size of your penis_. _Your case is not isolated, as I believe Suigetsu to be suffering the same condition. I advised him to drink milk so that he may grow. I suggest you do the same. Also, Suigetsu might attempt to steal your sword sometime in the future – don't take it personally, he suffers from phallic envy. He can't help himself, the poor boy._

There was no name at the end of the note, just a smiley face beaming back at him from the page.

Kisame's jaw dropped.

"What the – hell no!"

At the sound of his voice, a figure stirred in the bed next to his, and Uchiha Itachi emerged from under the blanket, hair mussed and eyes bloodshot. He blinked at his partner.

"You disturbed my sleep, Kisame. What is it?"

Kisame looked miserably over at him. "Do I have a small penis?" he demanded angrily.

Itachi twitched. "Yes," he said flatly. "Now go back to sleep."

With that, the Uchiha turned over and promptly fell asleep again. Kisame continued to stare, still very much in shock. After a moment, he lifted his blanket to sneak a peek, eyes narrowing.

"It's not _that_ small…"

* * *

At the same time that Kisame discovered he was a victim of Freudian theory courtesy of the clueless Sai, Suigetsu was wandering alone through Wind Country, tired, dishevelled and hungry. He also looked rather upset.

"Man, where the hell are they? I'm starving!"

* * *

And Sai returned to Konoha four weeks after Suigetsu had left him, with a rather fetching collection of nude portraits under one arm and a wealth of experience under the other. His teammates welcomed him back with open arms, but they did not welcome the nude drawings. They burned them all. Except for the nude sketch of Sasuke, which mysteriously disappeared.

Naruto and Sakura vehemently denied any involvement.

So did Kakashi.

But no one believed him.

* * *

End

* * *


End file.
